i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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