First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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