I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she peed on how many people?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Randomize
