Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Randomize
