sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
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