Betty ford says i'm here all night
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
