i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
