they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
