So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
vagina is talking i cant
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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