threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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