My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
