today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
