glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
