Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
