yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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