And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
