I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
