last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
My vagina is officially offended.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
