Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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