I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
