There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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