New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
