JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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