dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
