You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Randomize
