Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
