I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
