I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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