i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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