You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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