I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
