well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
