Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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