I saw his package. It spoke to me.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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