I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
