Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You need Xanax blowdarts
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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