Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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