So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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