Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
