People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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