You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
