Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
