I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
