nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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