i would punch a child for taco bell
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
