where does the pee come out of this thing
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
