porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
