dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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