I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
