I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
